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DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AND THE DEVELOPING BRAIN

***PLEASE note I am NOT a professional writer so yes mistakes will be made LOL***

Right now Christmas time for me is an EXCITING time of the year however it hasn’t always been this way and for A LOT of people it’s a horrible time of year.

When I was living in a domestic violent relationship I hated Christmas holidays because I knew it was 4 weeks of HELL!!! There are SO many kids right now who won’t have a HAPPY holiday, it will be a holiday fuelled with anxiety, panic attacks, beatings, abuse and just a miserable time in their lives.

Today I felt the need to write this blog in the lead up to Christmas and reach those that need it most.

I’ve got 5 kids…

My first two kids were born in a NON Domestic Violent relationship, Josh and Tahlia had not witnessed violence until I met my violent boyfriend when Tahlia was 4 months old and Josh 3 years old. Tahlia was the BEST baby and I had no problems with her sleeping etc, she was such a content baby. Up until these ages both were meeting their milestones and I was a GREAT mum, taking my first baby to school and then TAFE when my second baby was born.

I find myself homeless and meet a man in a nightclub.

From this time onwards my two kids witness domestic violence for the first time in their lives. Josh is academically reaching his milestones and was even sent to a school for ‘gifted’ children and Tahlia started school aged 4 however she was above average in her class.

The domestic violence starts taking a toll on Josh around the year 4 mark (aged 8 years) and he starts to have problems such as not concentrating at school and just not coping, he wasn’t naughty he was just sad (and he was NEVER abusive toward me).

Tahlia went into a shell and was a very quiet and silent achiever.

I end up having a baby with my abusive boyfriend and the baby was introduced to violence well and truly before he was even born. I was beaten at 8 months pregnant to the point of having the police and ambulance turn up, I was beaten a day after giving birth and my son josh had to pick me up from the floor, I was beaten and kicked to the ground a few weeks after the baby was born and Josh had to jump on my abusers back to stop him from bashing his mummy, this was our NEW life, I had never EVER experienced such a violent man in my life… Our life now consisted of abuse, police, health nurses, psychiatric hospitals, suicidal threats, psychologists, DHS, you name it this was our NEW life.

My baby was born and was the HARDEST baby to settle, cried ALL night every night, screamed if I left him at day-care the whole time he went to day-care nothing could settle him, I could NEVER take him to a shopping centre because WHOA he had out of control tantrums, when he started school his behaviour was out of control, he was nearly expelled in year 5, not allowed to go on the year 5 Canberra camp in year 5 due to his behaviour, in year 6 he was at a year 3 level, in year 7 he was at a year 5 level, he ended up leaving school in year 8 because he couldn’t cope with the school curriculum, I have never EVER had a month of no issues with my son.

When I left my domestic violent partner Josh and Tahlia NEVER had to go back again because THANK GOD he was not their father, on the other hand my other son was court ordered to continue to go back to his dad’s every second weekend until he was 11 years old when DHS forced me to get an intervention order that my son was not allowed to go back to his dad’s house due to abuse (yes MANY years I was trying to tell DHS his dad was too violent and shouldn’t have access to our son unless it was supervised, however it wasn’t until my son wanted to commit suicide if he had to go to his dads again that they listened).

So Tahlia ends up being violence FREE since the age of 6, I remove Josh from domestic violence at the age of 10 however he runs away from home at a young age and goes to live with my dad, my younger son was 4 when I eventually left domestic violence and here are the interesting facts.

Josh- Has gone through MANY issues drugs, police, etc is now the most AMAZING 21 year old a mother could ask for; SO grateful SO VERY VERY grateful, so kind, so caring, and just so bloody full of wisdom and the hardest worker that goes over and beyond for every employer that has taken him on and I know this because his bosses always tell me what an AMAZING guy he is.

Tahlia- completes year 12, NEVER touched drugs, doesn’t drink, ALWAYS had a part time job, competing in Cheer Leading and the most AMAZING daughter one could ask for; seriously she has been the EASIEST child I have had, no exaggeration, I honestly don’t ever remember having to ground her or yell at her, she has been a gift sent from god!! Oh and WON the DUX award in year 12!!!

My son born to a violent dad- he is now 15 and is verbally abusive, I can’t explain his behaviour at times because in all my 5 children I have not experienced the behaviour I experience with him. He is a beautiful boy however it is a non-stop cycle of trying and trying and trying to keep him on a positive track; it is draining and very tiresome. My close family and friends who know what my life is like with him have often asked me how I manage to stay on top of things with a child like him. If you have never lived in DV you won’t understand and if you have you will understand EXACTLY what I am saying. My son absolutely LOVES his dad however will not stay overnight due to his anxiety and panic attacks that he experiences when he is at his house, he speaks to him often however it is just full of abuse and anger. My ex’s own mum and sister have had to get restraining orders out on him because he is so abusive and violent toward them however my son loves his dad so I can’t get involved in their relationship! It’s extremely frustrating because I do so much work with my son and help him and then it’s just a vicious cycle of him not quite understanding what is happening to his brain every time he takes himself back to the anger and abuse.

Since separating from my first boyfriend who is NOT abusive at all; Josh and Tahlia’s dad I have had NO issues, never ever had police involved, I had never even heard of intervention orders or DHS until I met my second violent partner and now I have a LIFETIME restraining order on him, I have had to call the police a few times because now I am dealing with his son who is showing signs of repeating his dads behaviour, my first boyfriend who is the nicest guy has been physically abused by the abusive ex and even Dave who is the MOST beautiful soul was beaten by him and my kids had to run to a neighbour to call the police!!

So I then have two more babies to my most beautiful partner of 11 years Dave (who I am marrying next year), OMG we are the most spectacular couple if I do say so myself LOL… So our two little beauties were born into a loving relationship, NO abuse, NO anger, a safe, loving environment and I receive their end of year reports.

Toby aged 7- he is currently in year 1 however he is academically in all subjects in year 2

Renee aged 6- Is currently in prep and academically reaching year 1

Both sleep all night, no issues, NEVER had one call to the school for their behaviour, they both have their moments of being cheeky but nothing like what I have experienced with my son who I had in DV.

So I have proof in the pudding that DOMESTIC VIOLENCE EFFECTS THE DEVELOPING BRAIN OF A CHILD…

This blog is to educate you right now on the Effects of Exposure to Domestic Violence on the Developing Child’s Brain, because I have the evidence that it REALLY does effect the developing brain!!

Abuse Brain

Where to from here…

Trauma and Children

Experiences of elevated, prolonged stress or trauma rock the very core of children and young people. In these circumstances, children are overwhelmed with the internal reactions that race through their brains and bodies. They do anything to survive, not because they want to but because they need to. They shut down their feelings. They push away memories of pain. They stop relying on relationships around them to protect them. They stop trusting and believing in others.

Even after the stressful or traumatic situation has passed, children’s brains and bodies continue to react as if the stress is continuing. They become self-protective. They spend a lot of their energy scanning their environment for threat. Their bodies act as if they are in a constant state of alarm. Their brains are endlessly vigilant.

Traumatised and stressed children and young people have little space left for learning. Their constant state of tension and arousal can leave them unable to concentrate, pay attention, retain and recall new information. Their behaviour is often challenging in the school environment. They struggle to make positive peer relationships.

The consequences of trauma on children and young people are multiple, yet they are not well understood. These children are often labelled as disruptive, defiant and poor learners at high risk of disconnecting from school.

With support, children and young people can, and do, recover from the harmful effects of trauma. To do so, however, they need adults in their lives to be understanding of and responsive to their unique needs. They cannot easily adapt and change to their environment. Their environment and the people in it must adjust to help them. These children and young people need the space to learn to be created for them by those who care for and support them.

Understanding Trauma In Children and Young People

The trauma associated with experiences of neglect, violence and relationship disruption is poisonous to the lives of children and young people. It undermines their self-confidence and eats away at their self-esteem. It can make them feel worthless and unlovable. It reinforces their vulnerability.

Traumatised children frequently do not have their feelings acknowledged. They are told that they are not feeling frightened when they really are. They are told to look happy when on the inside they are feeling worried and anxious. They are told to lie about what is going on at home. They can feel ignored. Their confusion about the violence is never clarified.

It is not surprising then that children and young people who have experienced abuse related trauma block their feelings. They do not trust their feelings. The strength of their fear, shame and sadness can overwhelm them. Eventually, they can become disconnected or seem out of touch from their feelings. When asked, they are unable to describe how they feel.

The effects of such trauma can be so encompassing that children’s development slows down. Their focus is to stay alert to the next time they will be hurt or rejected. Survival becomes uppermost in their minds. They often experience problems with learning new things, coping with new people or new situations. Anything new is often perceived as a threat to them. It is not surprising then that children and young people affected by abuse and family violence can struggle academically and socially at school. This is why often they cannot feel settled anywhere.

Trauma changes the way children and young people understand their world, the people in it, and how and where they belong. They develop distorted rules about relationships – rules that are built on mistrust, terror and betrayal. They feel out of place in their family and with their friends. They feel separate and do not always belong.

The memories of abuse are pronounced and ever present. Small reminders may cause them to relive their fear and confusion. The world itself is experienced as dangerous for abused children and young people – a place without haven or safety.

For further information and to read the rest of this article, please get onto this website ASAP http://www.childhood.org.au/resources/

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What I Know For Sure About Watching OPRAH!!

What I took away from Oprah

***I am NOT a professional writer so mistakes will be made and I don’t apologies because I don’t care if you think I am not ‘nice’ LOL*** you’ll get the joke as you read :)

Firstly I walked away feeling SO peaceful, SO incredibly peaceful knowing that EVERYTHING Oprah spoke about I practice in my own life daily; there are no coincidences I have been able to turn my life around the way I have… My life has changed because I without knowing it at the time lived and breathed the pearls of wisdom Oprah shared last night.

So what were my TOP pearls of wisdom!

1. GRATITUDE- You MUST MUST MUST have gratitude for the simple things in your life…

2. DON’T SAY YES FOR FEAR OF PEOPLE THINKING YOU ARE NOT ‘NICE’…
I personally have never had an issue with saying ‘no’ and I know so many people who think I am ruthless because of the way I am… If I don’t want to do something I just do NOT do it and it doesn’t bother me one bit if the other person is feeling upset; staying true to myself is a gift I am grateful for having. I will never say yes if deep inside I want to say no (except of course when I am dragged Go Karting for the whole weekend LOL, BUT if it was that horrible I would say no which I say NO in winter)!!!

3. THE ENERGY YOU PUT OUT YOU RECEIVE TENFOLD-
This is sooooooo TRUE!! If you are jealous, nasty, vindictive, and just plain negative nelly well the odds are you will be feeling miserable, unhappy, and whinge and complain about EVERYTHING and ANYTHING, and no one (other than the people who share the same energy and traits ie miserable) will want to be around you…

However if you have a genuine feeling of seeing others reach almighty heights, feeling HAPPY for other people’s happiness and just putting a smile on your dial on a daily basis; you WILL attract HAPPY people and the more happiness surrounds you, the more you start to ENJOY your life, because guess what…. You are feeling a HAPPY energy which is kind of like a drug, you will feel fresher, more energised and just a pure alignment to what you TRULY want in your life.

4. DON’T EVER TRY TO BE ANYONE BUT YOU
You know I absolutely LOVED watching Oprah but one thing I realised is as much as I admired her as a speaker on stage I could never ever be Oprah, she is SOOOOOO elegant, SOOOOO beautiful and OMG she radiates an ease of confidence and can honestly talk her pearls of wisdom in such a way that it almost had me feeling insecure about how I present on stages LOL… BUT what I LOVED is when she spoke about just living your life AS YOU ARE….

We are ALL unique and if I tried to be like Oprah I would lose my authenticity and it would not work; I would stumble, I would be nervous, I would feel like a robot, it just WOULD NOT WORK so find the unique YOU and live TRUE to it daily and those who LOVE you will latch onto every word and those who loathe you, well those who loathe you can find someone who aligns with their energy. I cannot begin to tell you how by just being ME has opened doors that even I am shocked about ha ha

5. DREAMS DO COME TRUE, NO MATTER HOW BIG OR SMALL
Oprah spoke about how when she was a little girl she visited her friend’s house and noticed they had 6 big oak trees, this was a shock to Oprah because she was so poor she wondered how they had 6 trees and she had none so Oprah’s dream as she was growing up was to be rich enough to plant 6 oak tree’s in her yard. Oneday she was looking out her window and had forgotten her dream of having 6 trees and as she was looking out her window she realised her dream had come true without her even knowing; there she was counting her 6 oak trees!!!! Any MANY hundreds more!!!

As I was listening to her tell this story it took me back to my days I would have my morning coffee and without knowing I would meditate on my blue lounge (I was living in a VERY violent relationship this stage of my life) and the only peaceful time I had was my 5am coffee times before my partner woke up and shit would hit the fan… Anyway I ALWAYS visualised a happy life, a house with BIG windows, I would be running along the beach (I didn’t even live close to a beach), I had a HAPPY household and low and behold a couple of years ago I had just come home from my beach run, stood in the kitchen making my healthy smooothie, talking to my beautiful partner and BANG!!! I was looking outside into the distance from my HUGE, beautiful, BRIGHT windows and I knew right at that moment that my dream had come true without me even knowing it!! So ALWAYS dream no matter how big or small!!

I could go on forever however I will finish here!!

So yes I walked away with a DEEP knowing that everything that has happened in my life has not been a coincidence, that this has been the plan all along, that all of my life’s challenges in my past, present and future are there because my god, higher power or whoever it is has a BIGGER plan for me and my challenges are my nudges to guide me to where I am meant to be going..

Oh and I forgot my FAV pearl of wisdom

6. SURRENDAR
OMG I learnt this when I watched her you tube video on surrendering her dream when she wanted to win the role in the colour purple and it literary changed my life’s challenges!!!

I have MANY challenges arise; I mean c’mon I am trying to raise a near 18 year old, a 15 year old and a near 21 year old ON MY OWN and let’s not forget my two other kiddies aged 6 and 7 who have the most SPECTACULAR father and my almost husband OMG ha ha…. There is NO support what so ever from my older kids father’s (and I am not wanting sympathy, I am not alone and it’s always been this way so I don’t know any different) and you know SO many of my family members smirk behind my back when a challenge arises and talk behind my back because I talk such positivity and so they think I am a fraud when a challenge arises because I don’t speak loudly about my challenges… That I only share my positive posts…. HOWEVER…. What Oprah taught me through watching her You Tube video was that when a life’s challenge erupts just SURRENDAR it to your god or higher power and let them take care of it and so when shit hits the fan take for instance my son Jack and his 15 year old behaviour in which I have struggled with Jack since a wee lad because of the violence he witnessed growing up (no excuse BUT facts are kids who witness violence need A LOT of work to rewire their brains) so yes tough work with this boy LOL but when shit hits the fan I SURRENDAR, I ask for guidance and without fail, and every time I find the answers I am seeking and that is why I don’t need to shout loud what is happening because what I have learnt… oooohh oooohhhh and now this is Stacey’s pearl of wisdom is that MOST people would rather hear yukky news rather than happy news, I get far more comments on my negative and complaining posts on my FB page than I do on my happy, positive uplifting posts and the more comments I get on my negative nelly ones the bigger my problem feels and the more overwhelmed I feel however when I stay centred, SURRENDAR and deal with the issue from my own heart space and not go talking to every Tom, Dick and Harry then my challenge just pans out the EXACT way I visualised it to be and with each challenge there is another step and another step and another step and that is why I don’t feel the need to talk about my challenges anymore because I know how to turn them into positives every bloody time so why change the blueprint for what is working LOL

I hope you got some MAGIC from this blog and there is so much more I could write however I have stuff to do and places to be.

Have a HAPPY day guys xxx

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BLAMING OTHERS WON’T HELP YOU RECOVER

Stacy_avatar

***PLEASE note I am NOT a professional writer so yes mistakes will be made LOL***

After reading an article over the weekend about Jacqui Lambie’s son I just felt the need to write this blog.

If you have not heard the story Jacqui Lambie spoke out about her son Dylan’s Ice addiction in the hope people would sit up, listen and help support her in finding a way to help her son’s addiction.

I must say I can so understand both of their frustrations and I just wanted to write from my own experience and maybe this might help someone else out there.

As most of you know after me telling my personal story over and over and over again yes I am sorry I keep repeating myself however it is always for a bloody good reason and that is to always shine some light onto those who are struggling.

(Here I am 15 and pregnant)
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(Just had my baby and my brother is beside me)
me baby 1

(Holding Josh)
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My story is like many others… Grew up without a mum, lived with my dad in housing commission all of my life, sexually abused as a child (not by my dad), lived in a shed aged 14 (which I loved LOL), fell pregnant age 15, had my second baby at age 19 and found myself homeless, and at age 21 had my third baby and ended up in a Domestic Violent relationship, unfortunately my baby was injured in this relationship, DHS got involved and I had two choices…

1st choice- I can stay in my abusive relationship BUT I would lose all of my 3 kids to foster care ASAP

OR

2nd choice- I would be court ordered to not see my abusive partner for 12 weeks and in that 12 weeks I would be court ordered to attend Domestic Violence Counselling and parenting courses.

Long story short of course I chose choice 2 and boy have I made some extraordinary changes that even I am shocked about.

So going back to the story of Dylan and Jacqui I can’t help but feel so very heartfelt for both of them.

For Dylan because he was dragged through his mum’s toxic lifestyle from an early age, such a critical stage of a child’s development and for Jacqui because clearly she was doing the best she thought was right.

I can still remember sitting in that hospital room with the DHS and Federal Police and being told that in order to keep my 3 kids I had to CHANGE MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE; what the hell was this other life these professional people wanted me to live, I just nodded and said “I will do whatever it takes to keep my kids”. I went to my very first counselling session and I cried, I bawled and I howled because I was SO fearful at what they meant by changing my life, how do I find this new life when I feel the one I am living is perfectly normal!!! I begged my counsellor Donna to help me find this so called ‘new life’ because if I didn’t I would lose all of my kids.

After MANY years of counselling I can now say whoooo hooooo I FINALLY found that new life ha ha.

As told in the Herald Sun newspaper Mr Milverton (Jacqui’s son) claimed he grew up with alcohol abuse. The family shopped at Vinnies.

Senator Lambie admitted to being an alcoholic during an honest and confronting Australian Story episode last year.

She also revealed during the frank interview that she had tried to commit suicide. Mr Milverton still appears to be scarred by the incident.

“I looked after my mum when she was sick. When I ran away from home when I was 15, the next day she walked out in front of a car,” he said.

“I got a phone call from my uncle basically just saying my mum’s in hospital and ‘it’s your fault’. But my mum wouldn’t be here now if it wasn’t for me. I stood by her.
“She was only in hospital for one or two days and she checked herself out and then, yeah, I went back and looked after her.”

I have so much empathy and compassion for both Jacqui and Dylan however I want to share what I have learnt on my own personal journey to finding my new life.

If you really want to break the cycles of choosing toxic behaviours such as anger, drugs, alcohol, violence, etc one of the major turning points will be to break free of toxic relationships.

To break free of toxic relationships you need to stop blaming the other person such as your mum, dad, brother, partner, friend and so on and start looking within yourself.

Too often, too many people, blame too many of their life’s issues on their childhood.

Take for instance my son Josh. Just a few years ago and at rock bottom Josh was SO angry at me for bringing him into this world full of his own anxiety, depression, drug issues etc, yelling at me for bringing him into a world as a child in abuse, neglect, trauma etc BUT as I’ve learnt through my very own lessons in life, blaming others will NOT help you.

Heck I could easily have blamed my childhood for the reasons of staying ‘stuck’ and living forever in my toxic lifestyle. I could easily blame my mother for not being there for me when I needed her the most however I don’t believe my mum set out to hurt me on purpose, I feel she was doing her best with what she knew at the time. I do not hold any grudges what so ever against my mum or dad; sometimes I wish for a mum in my life but hey it is what it is and I can only be the BEST mum for my kids that I wish for in a mum.

Anyway getting back to the story, I spoke to Josh and told him bluntly “yes Josh I feel guilty about not being the best mum and I understand how you are feeling, I really do, BUT right now mate you’ve for two choices in life

1.Keep blaming me for your horrible childhood and drag this shit through your life for the rest of it and stay on drugs to block your feelings and just live a TOXIC life forever until you die

OR

2. Get counselling, let go of blame, and be the CREATOR of your future, you’re 18 now the world is YOUR oyster, go and create MAGIC because it’s there!!!

This chat was a few years ago and my son Josh who is now 20 has done every drug you can think of including ice and hasn’t touched ice in well over 3 years. He says he has forgiven me and quite regularly sends me beautiful texts thanking me for doing the best I knew how, Josh has realised that I made a few toxic choices in my teenage years and has seen my transformation and because he has chosen to forgive me he is able to heal himself and I TRULY hope Dylan can do this for himself too.

So then we get to Jacqui being criticised for working too much and not spending enough time with her son however through my very own experience’s when I was living my toxic life and putting all of my negative energy into my bad choices I was creating more and more bad shit to happen, my whole life was just one great BIG drama so when I was given my two choices to change my WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE guess what I did?

I drove my drama into an extraordinary life. I put ALL of my negative energy into positive things.

When I was living in a chaotic world full of drama, homelessness and low self-worth, I had lots of company in my misery. People would call or visit every day to hear all about the latest disaster I had created. My life was like one of those awful TV series; my fans couldn’t wait for the next episode and I was the star of the show. When I eventually decided I’d had enough of this life and was ready to create my dream life and pursue my passion, my daily drama episodes stopped and my fans dropped away.

I had created an addiction to drama, I couldn’t keep still; I was constantly anxious and ready for the next drama to erupt.

Growing up in a home environment where there was constant chaos, and then having a baby as a teenager where there was even more chaos and then living in a violent relationship where the chaos was now unmanageable; it’s a feeling that can become quite addictive. The adrenaline you feel from the chaos you live is almost like being on drugs.

As much as having the police, the DHS and federal police in my life was draining; I didn’t mind as it was that extra drama that fed my addiction. The fighting in my violent relationship was ok to me as it also fed my addiction. I didn’t know how to live a drama free life.

When I removed myself from the violent relationship and tried to live a “normal” life away from drama and chaos I really struggled. I couldn’t live without this feeling and would find almost anything to complain about, to cause trouble about; just to feed my addiction. I was never addicted to drugs, I have never even smoked cigarettes so for me I needed something.

BUT fortunately for me I had a mission and that was to find this new life so I could keep my children.

Instead of driving my drama into negative things; I started to find positive things to feed my addiction for chaos and drama.

The turning point for me was finding my traineeship. When I started working at my job full time, I was in charge of three companies doing their bookkeeping. I had a traineeship to complete and I used these three companies as my hands on practicing to complete this.

I worked 9am- 5pm 5 days a week, I would drop my two kids to school and the younger one in day-care and I worked solid for 3 years until I completed my traineeship.

(Here I am with my 3 kiddies)
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I would have a trainer come and visit me each week, take my completed work for the week and give me my next week’s homework. I would complete these tasks earlier each time and managed to complete my traineeship a year ahead of schedule because I was driving my drama into a positive new way of life. I was 24 years young with 3 children, working full time BUT I was no longer living in violence. My self-esteem was growing, my confidence was growing and I was becoming a much better mum as each day passed.

I then won my dream job however my son Josh aged 11 was now on drugs and suicidal, I resigned from my job but I knew I couldn’t take myself back to my old life, what good was I to support my son if I was feeling worthless and sitting around all day doing nothing; I couldn’t find any help or support for my son and I knew I was going to have to dig deep and find it within myself to help him. I also knew there was no way I could sit at home and do nothing and lose my confidence and self-esteem.

It was then that I asked my new boyfriend (I met him at the company I worked for) if I could turn his sticker hobby into a fully functioning business and Brand Print Australia has grown into a business that I didn’t even mean for it to grow into LOL.

(Me working in the factory with my baby)
Factory

I finally found something positive in my life to feed my need for drama and chaos.

With the flexibility of the business I was able to take my son to his counselling and psychologist appointments which did nothing and his drug addiction spiralled out of control, my son went and lived with my dad and that guy deserves a medal for the love and support he has given Josh over the years.

I had to do the tough love thing and let go of Josh as no matter what love and support I gave him it just didn’t seem to help. My dad also had to let go of Josh and allow him to choose his toxic lifestyle.

I stopped nagging Josh, and I stopped visiting and calling him, eventually he started to call me and started to visit me and I didn’t have to say anything to prove to my son anymore, he just started to see with his own eyes my new way of life, a positive life with happiness, laughter, no violence and it made him want to become a better person. It hasn’t been all plain sailing and easy; heck there have been some ripper drama’s to get us both to a place where we are at today but we got there!! Oh and don’t for one second think we will not have any-more challenges; that’s the beauty of life discovering challenges and trudging through them until you find the underlying issue within the challenge.

I am always and forever telling my children to find positive things in life and put all of your energies into that. It is so easy to put your energy into bad things when you are use to chaos in your life.

The answer is finding that positive thing that you love and then feeding that with all of your energy and that is why I am so bloody PROUD of Jacqui Lambie, because she has found her MAGIC sweet spot and love her or hate her you have to give it to her that she isn’t just sitting around blaming her past.

Please please please Dylan do yourself a favour and stop blaming your mum’s toxic past for your future; you are 21 now and the ball is in YOUR court to create whatever life you dream of, the world is really your oyster how EXCITINGGGG!!!

I know I use to blame everyone around me, I would tell myself that if they didn’t piss me off I wouldn’t get so angry, if they didn’t speak to me that way I wouldn’t have to yell at them; you see I didn’t keep myself accountable and it felt easier to blame someone else for my behaviour than to look at me and change myself. I kept telling myself that they had the problems, not me. Once I realised the answer to living my dream life was all about changing ME, that’s when my world started to change.

I just hope you guys can put the past to bed and create a beautiful relationship as life is way too short to allow these things to end one of the most important relationships of your lives; and that is mum and son.

My beautiful family
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Blog photo 2

Me and my beautiful son Josh, my dad and my grandson Lucas
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Love Stacey xxx

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The Grass Is Always Greener Where You Water It But How Do You Know If You Should Continue To Water It or Let It Die?

Grass

***PLEASE note I am NOT a professional writer so yes mistakes will be made LOL***

A few weeks back I was talking with a chick. She seemed to have her shit together, beautiful hubby who she had been with since a teenager, beautiful home they created together, three beautiful children who go to private schools, they live in a lah di dah area, she is attractive and from an outsider she seemed to have the world at her feet; now take me back to my old life days and she would have been on my radar as a toffee mum, someone who I idolised and wished I was.

She had everything that I didn’t!!

Anyway she was telling me about her awful/ perfect relationship and how awful it was because it was just way too perfect and boring and OMG I wanted to grab her, shake her and get on my motivational speaking stage and yell from a megaphone THE GRASS IS GREENER WHERE YOU WATER IT… But I couldn’t say that because the grass was MUCH greener for me when I left my relationship.

So as i listened she told me that she had already left her husband and moved into a new house, I had to allow her to talk and I just sat and listened and this is why she decided to up and leave;

• Because her husband was way too nice
• Their relationship was just too boring
• He didn’t make her happy anymore
• She was destined for a big bold life and he just wanted a simple life
• All he wanted to do was sit and spend time with her and their kids
• It was just boring boring boring

And then I asked her what she did want in a relationship and at this point I was cringing but who am I to judge; this is not my life

• I want a guy that tests me
• I want a guy that gives me challenges in life
• I just want a guy who is not boring and stimulates my life
• I want a guy who will make me happy

And with that she rattled off a whole list of attributes I had in my OLD relationship that certainly gives you tests, challenges and is so full of drama that there is NO time to get bored.

It then made me think about this quote even deeper THE GRASS IS GREENER WHERE YOU WATER IT and I remembered my old violent relationship and realised that no matter how much I watered that god damn grass it just kept dying until it turned into brown manure.

So it got me thinking about this quote and because I have lived two TOTALLY different relationships I can certainly say that in my abusive relationship if someone had of given me this quote I would have felt confused thinking that if only I watered my own relationship then it would get happier and brighter, however with anyone who has lived in a domestic violent relationship no matter how much you put into this relationship it just will NOT get greener.

HOW TO KNOW WHEN THE GRASS WILL BE GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE

For me personally I can honestly say that leaving my abusive relationship was one of the most courageous things I have ever done and the grass has not only turned green for me in my new life but it has turned an almighty fluorescent bright green LOL

So why has my grass turned such a BRIGHT green from when I was in my old relationship?

In my relationship that turned into manure;

• I had hourly challenges
• I was tested daily
• I was SO angry ALL.. OF..THE..TIME that I had no time for boredom
• The mindset games had my adrenalin going 24/7
• I was anxious constantly
• I could NOT sit down for more than 1 minute
• I could NOT stay at home for more than an hour as I had to be busy constantly
• I couldn’t find time in my headspace for myself let alone for my children
• My life was one messed up, chaotic, drama filled existence

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(Awwww I was only 21 years young here, but I look 10 years older than I am today because I was SOOOOOO sad!)

Fast forward 11 years and my question is…..

HOW DO YOU KNOW THE GRASS IS GREENER WHERE YOU WATER IT?
HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU HAVE A KICK ARSE RELATIONSHIP?
HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS RELATIONSHIP IS WORTH FIGHTING FOR?

When I met my partner Dave 11 years ago, I had done so much self-development that I was ready to allow him into my life. I felt confident and my self-esteem had grown.

When Dave entered my life I had never experienced a true feeling of love. My views on love were that if someone loved me they would be extremely jealous, love me so much that they would put me down to help me realise my faults, love me so much that they would hit me because I looked so attractive wearing beautiful clothing and so on.

Fortunately before Dave entered my life I had done some extreme counselling and self-development and knew I would never choose a man like this again.

I can’t say it was easy to meet a man like Dave who loved me unconditionally and for who I was; I remember questioning his motives and not really understanding why such a nice man would want to be with me. Although I had done a lot of work on myself, I still couldn’t quite grasp why he wanted to be with me.

I struggled with the love in the beginning and tried to set up situations to see if he was hiding his dark side; I would set up drama’s just to see how he would react; I soon came to realise he was not a nasty man and I started to allow love into my life. There were many times, that the love he showed me felt extremely uncomfortable.

I remember one night Dave wanted to surprise me and do something special for me and my three children. He knocked on the door with a huge platter of sushi and I was absolutely mortified. I was so embarrassed that he did this for us that I told my children they were not allowed to eat it. In my mind I felt as if Dave felt sorry for us and so he felt like he needed to be my “knight in shining armour” and feed my children. I was so humiliated at this that I told him “don’t ever do that again”, I also told him direct that he is not my “knight in shining armour” so please don’t try to feel sorry for me and buy me and my children things. You see I had never experienced someone doing something special for me and my children and it was extremely uncomfortable. Of course I allow this now (in small doses), however it took me a while to allow someone to treat me nicely and to spoil me.

I have now been with Dave for 11 years and in that time I have learnt;

•Boredom is a beautiful thing in a relationship
•Having no drama is pure BLISS
•Not being mentally, physically and emotionally challenged daily helps me have a clear mind to create a positive environment in all areas of my life; my home, my children, my business, my health, my fitness, my relationships with family and friends, my personal growth, my spiritual growth and just my pure happiness for life
•Having a partner who is happy with the simple things in life makes me feel content, I am finally able to sit on the lounge for more than a couple of hours and feel relaxed, I don’t feel adrenalin pumping through me 24/7, and I am even able to stay at home for a whole day and be ok with it LOL
•Having a partner who wants nothing more than a happy family has helped me bond with my children in a way I never knew existed, just by having someone to share that incredible feeling with makes it so much more beautiful
•I LOVE that I don’t rely on Dave for my happiness, if I feel shit I don’t look to him for my happiness, I look within myself and ask myself what is missing within ME to make myself feel happy, I don’t need a man to make me feel happy and it is not his duty to make me feel happy BUT what I LOVE is that Dave gives me the space to find my own true happiness just by him being simple, easy going, chilled and not questioning me, being jealous, criticising me or constantly playing head fuck games with me; my mind is finally at ease to do what I want

So if you are in a relationship like my old one I say….

The grass is certainly greener on the other side so go and find that BRIGHT green grass

But if you are in a relationship like my new one I say THE GRASS IS GREENER WHERE YOU WATER IT so water that grass like a CRAZY arse son of a gun because this relationship full of boredom, no drama’s, no challenges, no tests, no head fuck games, is one worth fighting for xxx

OMG look at this beautiful HAPPY little family I have created, can you see why I LOVE my new life!!!

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(SOOOOOOO much happier)

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(LOVE my family)

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(Our annual family holiday)

Lucas 2

(Me and my delicious one year old grandson)

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(My daughter Tahlia)

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(My son Josh)

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No matter what the Fu$% you do in life, you will never ever please everyone!

***PLEASE note I am NOT a professional writer so yes mistakes will be made LOL***

Stacey1

I have lived two TOTALLY contrast lives and it still boggles my mind why other people worry about others so much…

When I was a teenage mum, I was too young

When I had my before baby bikini body I was a show off and too skinny

When I had my baby I had stretch marks and told I looked like I had been beaten with a baseball bat

When I dressed like a bogan I was a scum

When I dressed nicely I was full of myself

When I was carrying my baby weight I was too fat

When I exercised and got fit again I was too skinny

When I was a teenage mum on welfare I was a scum bag

When I built our business I was a self-centred mum

When I lived homeless I was a piece of shit

When I bought my very first home I thought my shit didn’t stink

When I had no car it was because I was destined to never get
anywhere because I was a teenage mum

When I bought my BMW car I was full of myself

When I lived in violence I was told I didn’t deserve my kids

When I met a beautiful man and created a violence free home I was told I didn’t deserve such a beautiful man

When I had no job (resigned from my dream job) I was reminded it’s because I was a teenage mum and all I wanted to do was bludge off welfare

When I built the business I was threatened that my clients will find out about my past (teenage pregnancy, violence, DHS etc)

When I dress in my shorts and thongs with no make- up I am too simple

When I dress in business clothes and makeup I am full of myself

My old life I was called a dragged up gutter girl, no hoper, scum bag blah blah blah

My new life I am now mutton dressed as lamb, bimbo, always wanting to get my hair done, wear make-up, dress like a teenager blah blah blah

And it goes on and on and freaking ON and it never ends……

This my friends is WHY you must do what feels right for YOU, because no matter what you do, no matter how much you try to please people they will not be happy.

If you keep on waiting for other people to like you, you will be paralysed with fear of what others think of you and NOTHING will change!!

As long as you are being the best YOU and it’s not hurting anyone then that is all that matters xxx

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Let Rock Bottom Be The Foundation To Re-Build YOUR Life

Rock

When I hear of someone hitting rock bottom I actually feel excited for them. Not because I thrive on people hitting a miserable time but because for me hitting rock bottom became the turning point in my life. It was the most horrendous time of my life, but it also became the foundation for which I am now living my extraordinary life.

What happens when you have spiralled down to rock bottom is an exciting adventure to climb back to the top. You hit so hard that things you once thought were catastrophic now become minor.

Hitting rock bottom puts a true perspective of what really does matter in your life and makes you realise what is most important in your life. You soon forget about trivial crap such as; jealously, success, money and so on.

Through rock bottom stage you become aware of yourself in a way you never knew existed. You are faced to dig deep within your soul and you learn to see yourself as a “being” and not just a “robot”.

Hitting rock bottom opens your eyes to your true core values and you learn that nothing else matters apart from living true to your own core values each and every day.

The self development you experience when you are hit with rock bottom is incredible.

By the time you have hit rock bottom everything in your head is running a thousand miles per hour, you can’t think straight, you can’t see through the fog and it’s not just fog it is a thick black tar looking fog. At this stage you become desperate to climb out and this is when you will make drastic action’s to make changes.

You will start by doing something small such as counselling, which will take the fog away that little bit. After a while your tangled insides slowly untangle; if you can imagine a piece of rope with a thousand knots, each positive action you take one piece of that knotted rope becomes untangled until the rope has no knots.

You will learn about your values, you will learn about positive relationships, you will learn to trust, to lead, to inspire, to let go of stuff that is not important, to love yourself, you won’t worry what other people think of you anymore, you will find a life you never knew existed, you will learn to thank rock bottom for hitting you when it did, and most important you WILL learn that rock bottom will become the foundation for re-building your future extraordinary life!!

If you are at rock bottom right now; do yourself a favour and feel EXCITED about what positive new life you can create RIGHT NOW.

Just know RIGHT NOW you have the power in YOU to change everything in your entire life.

Feel the excitement, feel the joy, feel the freedom, feel the surge of tickling excited butterflies fluttering in your stomach at the new life you are about to ascend upon.

This new life is inside YOU right now and YOUR job is to set it FREE!

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Domestic Violence

DV

My personal experience with Domestic Violence. From me to you xxx

1. You will- say something that tips him/her over the edge which causes the almighty fire to erupt, you are now in explosion and this is where you remember your promise last time to leave. This explosion turns into both of you hitting, punching, biting, throwing, kicking, swearing, it’s OUT OF CONTROL!!

2. You will- cry, apologies, say you can’t live like this anymore and mention something about moving out or he/she needs to move out

3. You will- LOVE when he/she cries and apologises and LOVE the moment he/she is at the remorse stage because you are showered with love, promising words of forgiveness

4. You will- fall in love with he/she all over again because you are now in honeymoon phase, oh the flowers, the romantic nights away, the surprises ahhhhh

5. You will- have a happy few nights UNTIL something angers your partner, something you said, did, didn’t do, could have done, speculation, speculation, speculation

6. You will- be in build- up phase and anything you do or say right now WILL and I mean ANYTHING will be the fuel to feed this almighty fire

7. You will- beg, try to explain, wonder where this has come from, cry and try to explain 100 times that you didn’t do, say, look, see, say etc etc etc

8. You will- say something that tips him/her over the edge which causes the almighty fire to erupt, you are now in explosion and this is where you remember your promise last time to leave. This explosion turns into both of you hitting, punching, biting, throwing, kicking, swearing, it’s OUT OF CONTROL!!

9. You will- cry, apologies, say you can’t live like this anymore and mention something about moving out or he/she needs to move out

10. You will- LOVE the moment he/she is at the remorse stage because you are showered with love, promising words of forgiveness

11. You will- fall in love with he/she all over again because you are now in honeymoon phase, oh the flowers, the romantic nights away, the surprises ahhhhh

12. You will- have a happy few nights UNTIL something angers your partner, something you said, did, didn’t do, could have done, speculation, speculation,speculation

13. You will- be in build- up phase and anything you do or say right now WILL and I mean ANYTHING will be the fuel to feed this almighty fire

14. You will- beg, try to explain, wonder where this has come from, cry and try to explain 100 times that you didn’t do, say, look, see, say etc etc etc

15. You will- say something that tips him/her over the edge which causes the almighty fire to erupt, you are now in explosion and this is where you remember your promise last time to leave. This explosion turns into both of you hitting, punching, biting, throwing, kicking, swearing, it’s OUT OF CONTROL!!

16. You will- cry, apologies, say you can’t live like this anymore and mention something about moving out or he/she needs to move out

17. And on and on and on the cycle continues…….

UNTIL after a few years and you are one ANGRY, CRAZY, FEEL USELESS, NO SELF ESTEEM, NO CONFIDENCE, SHIT MUM, MENTALLY UNSTABLE, you can’t even recognise where that nice girl/guy has gone because you HATE, you LOATHE, you DESPISE the person you have become….

BUT every now and again you hear a whisper “where has that confident, fun, happy, loving, confident, vibrant, clever, intelligent, beautiful, bright, bubbly, funny, kind, caring, compassionate girl/guy gone”…

And one day you decide ENOUGH is ENOUGH!!!!

And from my own personal experience I will say

It’s freaking HARD

You will- keep thinking “what if they find another partner”

You will- leave and constantly want to hear from them and if you don’t OMG you will feel SO depressed

You will- call them

You will- constantly check your phone

You will- leave and then think of all the AMAZING times and think you are making the wrong decision; what IF it is ME, I am the CRAZY, ANGRY person, no one will take me on I am fat, ugly, useless, and he/she will go and find a beautiful, fun loving person and I’ll be all alone in my misery and left with these poor kids, who will want me with kids

You will- Possibly take them back…… at least a few times!!!

So you take them back and repeat the above cycle UNTIL one day you say “ENOUGH is ENOUGH” and you leave FOREVER this time.

And from my own personal experience I will say…

It’s freaking HARD

Helping Yourself after Leaving a Toxic Relationship

Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle- Author Unknown

I remember my first counselling session and I was expecting Donna to give me some really exciting magic answer to fix the dilemma I was in. When she started rambling off things like “when you feel desperate to ring him, sit on the lounge with both hands under your bum and control yourself from getting off the lounge and making the call”, I remember saying “haven’t you got any other things I can do”? My counsellor’s advice was so simple yet I was looking for advice that was rocket science; advice that was way out there, a magic pill to take and forget about this situation and move on. I wanted an easy way out; I didn’t want to do this hard work. What I realised now that I am out of this situation is that the tools are simple, but living in the middle of it is hard. There is so much going on that you feel scattered and that you have lost the plot. If you have small plans in place you can start un-scattering your life and make it somewhat “normal”.

The truth is that when you live in violence and you imagine your life free of violence, you’re imagination becomes a fantasy. When you leave you expect to be living that fantasy straight away. The sad truth is when you leave a violent relationship the hard work has only just begun.

You will most likely be living in a refuge, living at a friends or family members house, you are trying to deal with custody arrangements, no money, there will be on-going abuse between yourself and your ex partner, restraining orders, DHS, child support, your anger, and the hardest part; your affected children who are suffering anxiety, anger, uncontrollable behaviours, bed wetting, clinginess and the list goes on. You’re trying to raise these children, you are trying to find answers but you have no idea where the hell to begin!

There is no magic wand to get through all of this, however it is absolutely essential that you take care of yourself so that you can be clear, make rational decisions and not decisions based on “getting back” at your partner because you are feeling angry. I understand how hard it is to just walk away without feeling angry however being angry and playing games with your ex partner is NOT going to help your children grow into functional adults.

I still can’t believe the games me and my ex partner were playing in the custody case with our son. When I was court ordered to have nothing to do with my partner for twelve weeks we were both fighting for custody of our child. As mentioned once my twelve weeks were up to the day, he came back to my house. We were both travelling into the family courts and fighting to gain custody of our son, yet we were both sneaking out in between breaks laughing and telling each other what we were saying and doing. We even made a promise to each other to not say certain things; to us this was just a game to get back at each other, we had no worry about the best interest of our young son, all we were worried about was who was going to win this battle. The mind games we played with each other were disgusting; none of us should have won custody of him.

If you are playing mind games truly stop and think what you are doing and understand that this type of behaviour is not going to be in the best interest of your child. Never play with a player!

The biggest piece of advice I can give you right now is to seek on-going counselling with a domestic violence counsellor and seek urgent counselling and on-going counselling separately for your child. I attended my session twice a week for nearly two years. Find a centre who has child care facilities so that you can have your child looked after whilst you work on yourself.

If you have extremely out of control anger issues, seek help immediately. Look for anger management counselling and stick with it. Make a promise to yourself to stick with it for at least twelve months; it will become addictive when you start to notice positive changes.

Here is a list of strategies that you can implement right away

Number one is start eating healthy food, when you are stressed you don’t feel like eating and you will most likely lose a lot of weight in your separation, make sure you eat healthy meals
Drink lots of water
Start exercising for thirty minutes a day, just a simple walk. If you have children, take them with you, they will love it after a while
Start reading self development books every night. Choose a book title that you need help with right now i.e. anger, confidence, parenting
Attend domestic violence counselling and don’t miss a session
Attend anger management classes and don’t miss a session
Be clear on what you want to work on for the week i.e. self esteem, anger etc
When you have mediation sessions with the courts, keep it to your child’s best interest and not go into immature he said she said stuff
Keep a daily diary of what you are doing, what you are eating and how your day has been, focusing on the positive things, reflect on your progress each month
Begin meditation classes, they will seem silly in the beginning if you have never done them, however meditation is an amazing tool to allow positive thoughts to come in

Once you implement a few of these simple strategies each week into your life, you will notice small changes. The small changes will be enough for you to take control of your life and be able to look after your children’s needs and wants.

WARNING!!! DO NOT get into a new relationship until you have done at least twelve months of self development on yourself and your children. Why is that? Because when you are feeling vulnerable you will only attract someone into your life who has the same sort of issues as you; insecurity, anger, low self worth and it will escalate into another abusive relationship. Use this precious time to BREAK THE CYCLE of Domestic Violence not only for yourself but for your children too!