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BLAMING OTHERS WON’T HELP YOU RECOVER

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***PLEASE note I am NOT a professional writer so yes mistakes will be made LOL***

After reading an article over the weekend about Jacqui Lambie’s son I just felt the need to write this blog.

If you have not heard the story Jacqui Lambie spoke out about her son Dylan’s Ice addiction in the hope people would sit up, listen and help support her in finding a way to help her son’s addiction.

I must say I can so understand both of their frustrations and I just wanted to write from my own experience and maybe this might help someone else out there.

As most of you know after me telling my personal story over and over and over again yes I am sorry I keep repeating myself however it is always for a bloody good reason and that is to always shine some light onto those who are struggling.

(Here I am 15 and pregnant)
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(Just had my baby and my brother is beside me)
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(Holding Josh)
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My story is like many others… Grew up without a mum, lived with my dad in housing commission all of my life, sexually abused as a child (not by my dad), lived in a shed aged 14 (which I loved LOL), fell pregnant age 15, had my second baby at age 19 and found myself homeless, and at age 21 had my third baby and ended up in a Domestic Violent relationship, unfortunately my baby was injured in this relationship, DHS got involved and I had two choices…

1st choice- I can stay in my abusive relationship BUT I would lose all of my 3 kids to foster care ASAP

OR

2nd choice- I would be court ordered to not see my abusive partner for 12 weeks and in that 12 weeks I would be court ordered to attend Domestic Violence Counselling and parenting courses.

Long story short of course I chose choice 2 and boy have I made some extraordinary changes that even I am shocked about.

So going back to the story of Dylan and Jacqui I can’t help but feel so very heartfelt for both of them.

For Dylan because he was dragged through his mum’s toxic lifestyle from an early age, such a critical stage of a child’s development and for Jacqui because clearly she was doing the best she thought was right.

I can still remember sitting in that hospital room with the DHS and Federal Police and being told that in order to keep my 3 kids I had to CHANGE MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE; what the hell was this other life these professional people wanted me to live, I just nodded and said “I will do whatever it takes to keep my kids”. I went to my very first counselling session and I cried, I bawled and I howled because I was SO fearful at what they meant by changing my life, how do I find this new life when I feel the one I am living is perfectly normal!!! I begged my counsellor Donna to help me find this so called ‘new life’ because if I didn’t I would lose all of my kids.

After MANY years of counselling I can now say whoooo hooooo I FINALLY found that new life ha ha.

As told in the Herald Sun newspaper Mr Milverton (Jacqui’s son) claimed he grew up with alcohol abuse. The family shopped at Vinnies.

Senator Lambie admitted to being an alcoholic during an honest and confronting Australian Story episode last year.

She also revealed during the frank interview that she had tried to commit suicide. Mr Milverton still appears to be scarred by the incident.

“I looked after my mum when she was sick. When I ran away from home when I was 15, the next day she walked out in front of a car,” he said.

“I got a phone call from my uncle basically just saying my mum’s in hospital and ‘it’s your fault’. But my mum wouldn’t be here now if it wasn’t for me. I stood by her.
“She was only in hospital for one or two days and she checked herself out and then, yeah, I went back and looked after her.”

I have so much empathy and compassion for both Jacqui and Dylan however I want to share what I have learnt on my own personal journey to finding my new life.

If you really want to break the cycles of choosing toxic behaviours such as anger, drugs, alcohol, violence, etc one of the major turning points will be to break free of toxic relationships.

To break free of toxic relationships you need to stop blaming the other person such as your mum, dad, brother, partner, friend and so on and start looking within yourself.

Too often, too many people, blame too many of their life’s issues on their childhood.

Take for instance my son Josh. Just a few years ago and at rock bottom Josh was SO angry at me for bringing him into this world full of his own anxiety, depression, drug issues etc, yelling at me for bringing him into a world as a child in abuse, neglect, trauma etc BUT as I’ve learnt through my very own lessons in life, blaming others will NOT help you.

Heck I could easily have blamed my childhood for the reasons of staying ‘stuck’ and living forever in my toxic lifestyle. I could easily blame my mother for not being there for me when I needed her the most however I don’t believe my mum set out to hurt me on purpose, I feel she was doing her best with what she knew at the time. I do not hold any grudges what so ever against my mum or dad; sometimes I wish for a mum in my life but hey it is what it is and I can only be the BEST mum for my kids that I wish for in a mum.

Anyway getting back to the story, I spoke to Josh and told him bluntly “yes Josh I feel guilty about not being the best mum and I understand how you are feeling, I really do, BUT right now mate you’ve for two choices in life

1.Keep blaming me for your horrible childhood and drag this shit through your life for the rest of it and stay on drugs to block your feelings and just live a TOXIC life forever until you die

OR

2. Get counselling, let go of blame, and be the CREATOR of your future, you’re 18 now the world is YOUR oyster, go and create MAGIC because it’s there!!!

This chat was a few years ago and my son Josh who is now 20 has done every drug you can think of including ice and hasn’t touched ice in well over 3 years. He says he has forgiven me and quite regularly sends me beautiful texts thanking me for doing the best I knew how, Josh has realised that I made a few toxic choices in my teenage years and has seen my transformation and because he has chosen to forgive me he is able to heal himself and I TRULY hope Dylan can do this for himself too.

So then we get to Jacqui being criticised for working too much and not spending enough time with her son however through my very own experience’s when I was living my toxic life and putting all of my negative energy into my bad choices I was creating more and more bad shit to happen, my whole life was just one great BIG drama so when I was given my two choices to change my WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE guess what I did?

I drove my drama into an extraordinary life. I put ALL of my negative energy into positive things.

When I was living in a chaotic world full of drama, homelessness and low self-worth, I had lots of company in my misery. People would call or visit every day to hear all about the latest disaster I had created. My life was like one of those awful TV series; my fans couldn’t wait for the next episode and I was the star of the show. When I eventually decided I’d had enough of this life and was ready to create my dream life and pursue my passion, my daily drama episodes stopped and my fans dropped away.

I had created an addiction to drama, I couldn’t keep still; I was constantly anxious and ready for the next drama to erupt.

Growing up in a home environment where there was constant chaos, and then having a baby as a teenager where there was even more chaos and then living in a violent relationship where the chaos was now unmanageable; it’s a feeling that can become quite addictive. The adrenaline you feel from the chaos you live is almost like being on drugs.

As much as having the police, the DHS and federal police in my life was draining; I didn’t mind as it was that extra drama that fed my addiction. The fighting in my violent relationship was ok to me as it also fed my addiction. I didn’t know how to live a drama free life.

When I removed myself from the violent relationship and tried to live a “normal” life away from drama and chaos I really struggled. I couldn’t live without this feeling and would find almost anything to complain about, to cause trouble about; just to feed my addiction. I was never addicted to drugs, I have never even smoked cigarettes so for me I needed something.

BUT fortunately for me I had a mission and that was to find this new life so I could keep my children.

Instead of driving my drama into negative things; I started to find positive things to feed my addiction for chaos and drama.

The turning point for me was finding my traineeship. When I started working at my job full time, I was in charge of three companies doing their bookkeeping. I had a traineeship to complete and I used these three companies as my hands on practicing to complete this.

I worked 9am- 5pm 5 days a week, I would drop my two kids to school and the younger one in day-care and I worked solid for 3 years until I completed my traineeship.

(Here I am with my 3 kiddies)
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I would have a trainer come and visit me each week, take my completed work for the week and give me my next week’s homework. I would complete these tasks earlier each time and managed to complete my traineeship a year ahead of schedule because I was driving my drama into a positive new way of life. I was 24 years young with 3 children, working full time BUT I was no longer living in violence. My self-esteem was growing, my confidence was growing and I was becoming a much better mum as each day passed.

I then won my dream job however my son Josh aged 11 was now on drugs and suicidal, I resigned from my job but I knew I couldn’t take myself back to my old life, what good was I to support my son if I was feeling worthless and sitting around all day doing nothing; I couldn’t find any help or support for my son and I knew I was going to have to dig deep and find it within myself to help him. I also knew there was no way I could sit at home and do nothing and lose my confidence and self-esteem.

It was then that I asked my new boyfriend (I met him at the company I worked for) if I could turn his sticker hobby into a fully functioning business and Brand Print Australia has grown into a business that I didn’t even mean for it to grow into LOL.

(Me working in the factory with my baby)
Factory

I finally found something positive in my life to feed my need for drama and chaos.

With the flexibility of the business I was able to take my son to his counselling and psychologist appointments which did nothing and his drug addiction spiralled out of control, my son went and lived with my dad and that guy deserves a medal for the love and support he has given Josh over the years.

I had to do the tough love thing and let go of Josh as no matter what love and support I gave him it just didn’t seem to help. My dad also had to let go of Josh and allow him to choose his toxic lifestyle.

I stopped nagging Josh, and I stopped visiting and calling him, eventually he started to call me and started to visit me and I didn’t have to say anything to prove to my son anymore, he just started to see with his own eyes my new way of life, a positive life with happiness, laughter, no violence and it made him want to become a better person. It hasn’t been all plain sailing and easy; heck there have been some ripper drama’s to get us both to a place where we are at today but we got there!! Oh and don’t for one second think we will not have any-more challenges; that’s the beauty of life discovering challenges and trudging through them until you find the underlying issue within the challenge.

I am always and forever telling my children to find positive things in life and put all of your energies into that. It is so easy to put your energy into bad things when you are use to chaos in your life.

The answer is finding that positive thing that you love and then feeding that with all of your energy and that is why I am so bloody PROUD of Jacqui Lambie, because she has found her MAGIC sweet spot and love her or hate her you have to give it to her that she isn’t just sitting around blaming her past.

Please please please Dylan do yourself a favour and stop blaming your mum’s toxic past for your future; you are 21 now and the ball is in YOUR court to create whatever life you dream of, the world is really your oyster how EXCITINGGGG!!!

I know I use to blame everyone around me, I would tell myself that if they didn’t piss me off I wouldn’t get so angry, if they didn’t speak to me that way I wouldn’t have to yell at them; you see I didn’t keep myself accountable and it felt easier to blame someone else for my behaviour than to look at me and change myself. I kept telling myself that they had the problems, not me. Once I realised the answer to living my dream life was all about changing ME, that’s when my world started to change.

I just hope you guys can put the past to bed and create a beautiful relationship as life is way too short to allow these things to end one of the most important relationships of your lives; and that is mum and son.

My beautiful family
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Me and my beautiful son Josh, my dad and my grandson Lucas
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Love Stacey xxx

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