STACEY CURRIE

Date archives February 2015

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Domestic Violence

DV

My personal experience with Domestic Violence. From me to you xxx

1. You will- say something that tips him/her over the edge which causes the almighty fire to erupt, you are now in explosion and this is where you remember your promise last time to leave. This explosion turns into both of you hitting, punching, biting, throwing, kicking, swearing, it’s OUT OF CONTROL!!

2. You will- cry, apologies, say you can’t live like this anymore and mention something about moving out or he/she needs to move out

3. You will- LOVE when he/she cries and apologises and LOVE the moment he/she is at the remorse stage because you are showered with love, promising words of forgiveness

4. You will- fall in love with he/she all over again because you are now in honeymoon phase, oh the flowers, the romantic nights away, the surprises ahhhhh

5. You will- have a happy few nights UNTIL something angers your partner, something you said, did, didn’t do, could have done, speculation, speculation, speculation

6. You will- be in build- up phase and anything you do or say right now WILL and I mean ANYTHING will be the fuel to feed this almighty fire

7. You will- beg, try to explain, wonder where this has come from, cry and try to explain 100 times that you didn’t do, say, look, see, say etc etc etc

8. You will- say something that tips him/her over the edge which causes the almighty fire to erupt, you are now in explosion and this is where you remember your promise last time to leave. This explosion turns into both of you hitting, punching, biting, throwing, kicking, swearing, it’s OUT OF CONTROL!!

9. You will- cry, apologies, say you can’t live like this anymore and mention something about moving out or he/she needs to move out

10. You will- LOVE the moment he/she is at the remorse stage because you are showered with love, promising words of forgiveness

11. You will- fall in love with he/she all over again because you are now in honeymoon phase, oh the flowers, the romantic nights away, the surprises ahhhhh

12. You will- have a happy few nights UNTIL something angers your partner, something you said, did, didn’t do, could have done, speculation, speculation,speculation

13. You will- be in build- up phase and anything you do or say right now WILL and I mean ANYTHING will be the fuel to feed this almighty fire

14. You will- beg, try to explain, wonder where this has come from, cry and try to explain 100 times that you didn’t do, say, look, see, say etc etc etc

15. You will- say something that tips him/her over the edge which causes the almighty fire to erupt, you are now in explosion and this is where you remember your promise last time to leave. This explosion turns into both of you hitting, punching, biting, throwing, kicking, swearing, it’s OUT OF CONTROL!!

16. You will- cry, apologies, say you can’t live like this anymore and mention something about moving out or he/she needs to move out

17. And on and on and on the cycle continues…….

UNTIL after a few years and you are one ANGRY, CRAZY, FEEL USELESS, NO SELF ESTEEM, NO CONFIDENCE, SHIT MUM, MENTALLY UNSTABLE, you can’t even recognise where that nice girl/guy has gone because you HATE, you LOATHE, you DESPISE the person you have become….

BUT every now and again you hear a whisper “where has that confident, fun, happy, loving, confident, vibrant, clever, intelligent, beautiful, bright, bubbly, funny, kind, caring, compassionate girl/guy gone”…

And one day you decide ENOUGH is ENOUGH!!!!

And from my own personal experience I will say

It’s freaking HARD

You will- keep thinking “what if they find another partner”

You will- leave and constantly want to hear from them and if you don’t OMG you will feel SO depressed

You will- call them

You will- constantly check your phone

You will- leave and then think of all the AMAZING times and think you are making the wrong decision; what IF it is ME, I am the CRAZY, ANGRY person, no one will take me on I am fat, ugly, useless, and he/she will go and find a beautiful, fun loving person and I’ll be all alone in my misery and left with these poor kids, who will want me with kids

You will- Possibly take them back…… at least a few times!!!

So you take them back and repeat the above cycle UNTIL one day you say “ENOUGH is ENOUGH” and you leave FOREVER this time.

And from my own personal experience I will say…

It’s freaking HARD

Helping Yourself after Leaving a Toxic Relationship

Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle- Author Unknown

I remember my first counselling session and I was expecting Donna to give me some really exciting magic answer to fix the dilemma I was in. When she started rambling off things like “when you feel desperate to ring him, sit on the lounge with both hands under your bum and control yourself from getting off the lounge and making the call”, I remember saying “haven’t you got any other things I can do”? My counsellor’s advice was so simple yet I was looking for advice that was rocket science; advice that was way out there, a magic pill to take and forget about this situation and move on. I wanted an easy way out; I didn’t want to do this hard work. What I realised now that I am out of this situation is that the tools are simple, but living in the middle of it is hard. There is so much going on that you feel scattered and that you have lost the plot. If you have small plans in place you can start un-scattering your life and make it somewhat “normal”.

The truth is that when you live in violence and you imagine your life free of violence, you’re imagination becomes a fantasy. When you leave you expect to be living that fantasy straight away. The sad truth is when you leave a violent relationship the hard work has only just begun.

You will most likely be living in a refuge, living at a friends or family members house, you are trying to deal with custody arrangements, no money, there will be on-going abuse between yourself and your ex partner, restraining orders, DHS, child support, your anger, and the hardest part; your affected children who are suffering anxiety, anger, uncontrollable behaviours, bed wetting, clinginess and the list goes on. You’re trying to raise these children, you are trying to find answers but you have no idea where the hell to begin!

There is no magic wand to get through all of this, however it is absolutely essential that you take care of yourself so that you can be clear, make rational decisions and not decisions based on “getting back” at your partner because you are feeling angry. I understand how hard it is to just walk away without feeling angry however being angry and playing games with your ex partner is NOT going to help your children grow into functional adults.

I still can’t believe the games me and my ex partner were playing in the custody case with our son. When I was court ordered to have nothing to do with my partner for twelve weeks we were both fighting for custody of our child. As mentioned once my twelve weeks were up to the day, he came back to my house. We were both travelling into the family courts and fighting to gain custody of our son, yet we were both sneaking out in between breaks laughing and telling each other what we were saying and doing. We even made a promise to each other to not say certain things; to us this was just a game to get back at each other, we had no worry about the best interest of our young son, all we were worried about was who was going to win this battle. The mind games we played with each other were disgusting; none of us should have won custody of him.

If you are playing mind games truly stop and think what you are doing and understand that this type of behaviour is not going to be in the best interest of your child. Never play with a player!

The biggest piece of advice I can give you right now is to seek on-going counselling with a domestic violence counsellor and seek urgent counselling and on-going counselling separately for your child. I attended my session twice a week for nearly two years. Find a centre who has child care facilities so that you can have your child looked after whilst you work on yourself.

If you have extremely out of control anger issues, seek help immediately. Look for anger management counselling and stick with it. Make a promise to yourself to stick with it for at least twelve months; it will become addictive when you start to notice positive changes.

Here is a list of strategies that you can implement right away

Number one is start eating healthy food, when you are stressed you don’t feel like eating and you will most likely lose a lot of weight in your separation, make sure you eat healthy meals
Drink lots of water
Start exercising for thirty minutes a day, just a simple walk. If you have children, take them with you, they will love it after a while
Start reading self development books every night. Choose a book title that you need help with right now i.e. anger, confidence, parenting
Attend domestic violence counselling and don’t miss a session
Attend anger management classes and don’t miss a session
Be clear on what you want to work on for the week i.e. self esteem, anger etc
When you have mediation sessions with the courts, keep it to your child’s best interest and not go into immature he said she said stuff
Keep a daily diary of what you are doing, what you are eating and how your day has been, focusing on the positive things, reflect on your progress each month
Begin meditation classes, they will seem silly in the beginning if you have never done them, however meditation is an amazing tool to allow positive thoughts to come in

Once you implement a few of these simple strategies each week into your life, you will notice small changes. The small changes will be enough for you to take control of your life and be able to look after your children’s needs and wants.

WARNING!!! DO NOT get into a new relationship until you have done at least twelve months of self development on yourself and your children. Why is that? Because when you are feeling vulnerable you will only attract someone into your life who has the same sort of issues as you; insecurity, anger, low self worth and it will escalate into another abusive relationship. Use this precious time to BREAK THE CYCLE of Domestic Violence not only for yourself but for your children too!